You're Doing Everything Right. So Why Are You Still Exhausted?
Why midlife fatigue isn't always about getting more sleep, and why feeling better might start with doing less.
You've been trying to look after yourself.
You're making an effort to eat well. You're trying to get enough sleep. You know you should be exercising regularly, drinking more water, managing your stress, and probably meditating or doing yoga.
You've read all the articles. You've listened to all the podcasts. You've got a pretty good idea of what you're supposed to be doing.
So why are you still so bloody tired?
It can feel like another full-time job with all the things you’re supposed to be doing to look after your health.
But there's something we don't talk about nearly enough.
Sometimes the answer to feeling better isn't adding another healthy habit. Sometimes the answer is about taking something away.
Functioning isn't the same as living well
I know a thing or two about exhaustion.
I've experienced serious burnout, and there have also been plenty of times when life has been so busy that I've barely had time to think, let alone take the time I need to properly recover.
And one of the most important things I've learned through it all is that just because you’re able to keep going, it doesn't necessarily mean you're doing well.
From the outside, you can appear to be productive, organised, dependable, and look like you’re managing everything beautifully.
You turn up for work, remember everyone's appointments, keep the household running, and somehow find time to make dinner.
You can even smile while you're doing it.
But by the end of the day, there's nothing left.
No energy for your partner. No enthusiasm for seeing friends. No interest in even doing something you really enjoy.
All you want is to collapse on the sofa and hope nobody needs anything else.
Sound familiar?
We've become remarkably good at functioning while feeling exhausted.
But having enough energy to meet your responsibilities isn't the same as having enough energy to enjoy your life.
And I think that's something that needs a lot more of our attention
First, let's not blame everything on menopause
If you're over 40 and feeling exhausted, menopause is an easy place to look first, because hormonal changes can absolutely contribute to fatigue.
Night sweats, hot flushes, disrupted sleep, and changes in mood can leave you feeling as though you've been dragged through a knothole (I’ve been there!).
A 2024 review of 37 different studies involving more than 29,000 women estimated that around half of these women experienced poor sleep quality during menopause. But that doesn't mean every exhausted woman has a menopause problem.
Iron deficiency, thyroid disorders, sleep apnoea, diabetes, medication effects, inadequate nutrition, and other health conditions can all contribute to fatigue.
And sometimes multiple things are happening at the same time.
That's why persistent exhaustion shouldn't simply be written off as ageing, menopause, or the price of having a busy life.
If you've felt tired for weeks, are struggling with everyday activities, or you’re experiencing other symptoms, it's worth speaking with your healthcare professional.
You deserve to understand what's happening, rather than being handed another generic list of things to try.
The hundred little things nobody notices
Now, let's talk about the workload that doesn't appear on your calendar.
Not the big things, like work meetings, medical appointments, or collecting the kids. We already know they’re there.
I'm talking about the tiny things.
Noticing we're running out of toilet paper.
Remembering to wash the football kit.
Ordering dog food.
Replacing the batteries in the remote control.
Refilling the pepper grinder.
Yes, the bloody pepper grinder.
Individually, none of these things feels especially demanding.
But someone has to notice they need doing. Someone has to remember. Someone has to make sure they actually happen.
And there are hundreds of these things that consume space in day-to-day life.
Research on the mental load of household and childcare responsibilities suggests that women generally carry more of this invisible planning and organising work, although every household is different.
My husband and I share many household responsibilities, and he works incredibly hard. But whenever I've been away for an extended period, he's been reminded of just how many little things I normally take care of without either of us giving them much thought.
It's not that he can't do them. It's that they're usually already done.
And that's the thing about invisible work.
Often, nobody notices it until it stops happening.
Who looks after the person who looks after everyone else?
This is a question we've discussed often at Fabulous Beyond 40.
Who cares for the caregiver?
And I don't mean that only women are caregivers. Far from it. Men care for children, partners, parents, and other family members too.
But many women still find themselves in the position of being the person who knows how everything works. They know which bills need paying, where the paperwork is, what needs ordering, and who's supposed to be where.
Then they get sick.
And suddenly they're answering questions from bed about where things are kept, what needs doing, and how to do it. And there's a big difference between someone offering to help and someone actually taking responsibility for something.
If you're still planning, explaining, reminding, and following up, you haven't actually escaped the mental workload.
One way to reduce that burden is to make sure the people around us have the knowledge and skills to manage everyday life. That might mean children learning to do their own laundry, partners sharing responsibility for household systems, or simply letting someone else take ownership of a task from beginning to end.
And yes, that might mean accepting that they won't do it exactly the way you would.
The world will probably survive, even if the towels aren't folded properly.
When self-care becomes another job
Here's where things get really ridiculous.
We're exhausted, so we start looking for ways to improve our health.
And what do we find?
Another list.
Get up earlier and exercise.
Spend Sunday preparing healthy meals.
Make time for meditation.
Start journalling.
Establish a better bedtime routine.
Spend more time outdoors.
Practise mindfulness.
Now, these are generally helpful practices, and there's nothing inherently wrong with any of them. In fact, as coaches, these are things we often help our clients with.
But when you're already struggling to fit everything into your day, where exactly are these additional activities supposed to go?
Full disclosure - I've been guilty of this myself.
I'll look at my calendar, find a beautiful empty afternoon, and imagine all the meaningful work I can accomplish.
Then something needs sorting out at the house we’re renovating. There's paperwork to find. Something needs ordering. The dog needs attention. Someone needs an answer.
And before I know it, the afternoon has evaporated.
By the end of the week, I've been busy every waking minute, but I'm wondering what I actually accomplished.
Then I feel guilty about what I didn't get done.
And if I decide to give myself a rest day, I often fill it by thinking about all the things I still need to do and trying to plan them. Because, apparently, even when we're doing nothing, we can find another responsibility: feeling guilty about everything.
Which is a rather spectacular way to make exhaustion even less enjoyable.
What if we tried subtraction instead?
We spend so much time thinking about what we should add to our lives.
More exercise. More healthy meals. More self-care. More opportunities. More activities.
But what about trying to do less?
Fewer commitments.
Fewer things that need our personal attention.
Less pressure to be available to everyone, all the time.
And fewer expectations about what a productive day should look like.
This isn't about giving up everything we enjoy or becoming less ambitious. I'm certainly not suggesting that.
I love interesting projects and new opportunities. And if someone invites me to do something exciting, my first instinct is usually to say yes. (Sound familiar?)
Unfortunately, enthusiasm for something new doesn't magically create additional hours in the day. Every commitment has a cost.
That speaking engagement might be brilliant exposure for our coaching, but it also involves preparation, travel, and recovery time.
That interesting project might take two hours on paper, but it occupies far more space in your head.
And often the price of saying yes is losing the time you needed for something else.
We rarely calculate that cost before agreeing.
My suggestion here isn't asking whether we can fit something else in - it's choosing whether we want to spend our limited energy on it.
And subtraction doesn't have to mean making major changes. And subtraction isn’t the same as loss, which is easy to forget. The whole idea of less is more? Yeah, that.
Maybe the house doesn't need cleaning quite so often.
Maybe someone else can take responsibility for ordering the groceries.
Maybe an activity you take part in can happen once a month rather than every week.
Maybe you don't need to attend every event you're invited to.
Or maybe something you've been doing for years simply doesn't belong in your life anymore.
The aim isn't to do less for the sake of doing less. It's to create enough space - and capacity - for the things that matter.
Why is doing nothing so uncomfortable?
Here's another thing I've noticed.
We can spend weeks looking forward to a free afternoon. And then, when it finally arrives, we immediately start thinking about how to use it.
I've seen an entertaining example of this at some of the beautiful thermal spas here in Italy.
People pay a small fortune to spend the day surrounded by thermal pools, steam rooms, gardens, and gorgeous places designed for relaxation.
And what do I see?
People wandering around with their noses buried in their phones. Checking emails. Answering messages. Scrolling social media.
They've paid for the opportunity to disconnect, but their attention is still somewhere else.
Of course, it's entirely their choice how they spend their time.
But it makes me wonder whether we've become so accustomed to constant stimulation and availability that we no longer know how to be comfortable without them.
And I'm not exempt from that observation.
I can be extraordinarily good at finding something useful to do when I could simply be enjoying the moment.
Research suggests that having too little discretionary time is associated with lower wellbeing, but having more free time doesn't automatically make us happier if we feel it lacks purpose.
Perhaps we need to reconsider what counts as purposeful.
Sitting outside with a coffee.
Having an unhurried conversation.
Taking the dog for a walk without mentally planning the next six things.
Or simply sitting quietly and watching the world go by.
Empty space isn't the same thing as emptiness. Sometimes it's exactly what we've been missing.
So where do we start?
If you're constantly exhausted, please don't assume that doing less is the only answer. Persistent fatigue can have medical causes, and understanding what's contributing to yours matters.
But alongside looking at sleep, nutrition, movement, and your overall health, it's worth looking at the demands you're carrying.
Not just the big commitments.
The little ones. The automatic ones. The things you do because you've always done them.
Ask yourself:
What am I doing that genuinely needs to be done?
What could be shared, simplified, done less often, or stopped altogether?
If I created an extra hour this week, could I resist the urge to fill it?
You don't need to overhaul your entire life, and please don't turn simplifying your life into another project with seventeen action steps and a colour-coded spreadsheet.
Start with one thing.
Not something else to add - something you could take away.
Because the goal isn't to become so efficient that you can squeeze even more into your day. It's to have enough energy left to enjoy the life you're working so hard to build.
Want to understand what's affecting your midlife wellbeing?
One of the things we help with at Fabulous Beyond 40 is to look beyond individual symptoms to explore how nutrition, movement, recovery, relationships, and everyday demands fit together. Because you’re a whole person with a whole life that doesn’t fit neatly into some kind of generic framework.
Our free Midlife Health Check helps you identify what's already working, where you may need more support, and one manageable place to begin. In 5-7 minutes you can have an overview of what’s going on and how to get started - without adding more to your to-do list.
Take the free Midlife Health Check
And here's one question I'd love you to answer:
What if the next thing you did for your health wasn't something you started, but something you stopped?
I'd genuinely love to hear what you'd choose.
